Every year millions of Americans make a bunch of nonsense New Year's resolutions that they have no intention of keeping. They plan to randomly wake up earlier or generically "get healthier" or save more money for an undefined goal. Then, shockingly, they don't do those things and nothing bad happens, they just keep on keeping on.
In Trumpworld's cheeto-tinged dystopia, we don't have the luxury to pretend we're going to wake up earlier and get healthier, then do nothing. Keeping on keeping on in 2018 will require positive action. That doesn't mean, however, that action can't be easy, productive, and fun. To that end, we've decided to rewrite the classics. Here are resolutions to make in 2018:
READ MORE...by reading the news every single day. It only takes a few minutes (our newsletter can help!), plus right now a lot of hilarious current events jokes are probably going right over your head and that's sad for you.
PRACTICE MORE SELF-CARE...by finding out who your reps are and how to contact them. Then, call them as often as you want to tell them about the things that they aren't getting right. It's like therapy, but it helps all of us.
LEARN SOMETHING NEW...by researching the voter ID laws in your state and informing your friends and family about them so everybody is prepared to vote when the time comes. If a specific kind of ID is required in your state, help get people to the DMV and raise some funds for people who can't afford the random fees. It's never too soon to prepare for voting!
CONQUER YOUR FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN ...by making calls or canvassing for a local or national candidate you care about. Knocking on strange doors is kind of liberating. You're a rebel! You'll knock on any door you want! You'll inform them about your candidate if you feel like it! Let them try to stop you.
EXERCISE MORE...by attending at least three marches this year. The women's march round two is coming up on January 20th and you won't want to miss it. History will laugh at you. History is cold, man. You don't want to mess with History. She never forgets anything.
SEE YOUR FRIENDS MORE...by hosting meetings and throwing parties around major election dates and political events. Some ideas: a primary night "show me your sticker" party, pussy hat knitting circle, political postcard-making parties, bachelorette party on Capitol Hill (OMG DO THIS ONE PLEASE!).
TRAVEL MORE...to visit your representatives in Washington. For budget travelers, consider visiting your local city hall or state capitol. Your representative's offices are open to (/owned by!) the public, so you're allowed to just march right into their office and say hello any old time you want. The office where Ted Cruz works? Open to the public. The office where Paul Ryan works? Open to the public. Let them know what you think of their work.
SAVE MORE...of our natural resources by thinking about the environmental impact of your eating, clothing, shopping, driving, and eating habits. You'll save money while saving all of us.
HAVE MORE FUN...by making whatever political engagement you focus on social and active. You don't have to stuff envelopes for some stodgy giant non-profit in order to do your part.
QUIT SMOKING...just because.