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Trump's Anniversary Gift Guide

January 20th marks the one-year anniversary of the Trump presidency, and naturally we wanted to mark the occasion with a gift! After all, Trump has brought us so many things - instability, the looming threat of nuclear war, more expensive health insurance, sexual assault...the list goes on and on. Since the traditional one-year anniversary gift is paper, here are some great paper gift ideas for President Trump:

  • A subpoena. To testify about money laundering, obstruction of justice, or maybe even treason. It's really just the gift that counts, right? This truly special gift could be professionally printed on legal paper, or why not go all out and have a calligrapher write it out on a parchment scroll?
  • Articles of Impeachment. If you're feeling bold, skip the subpoena and get right to the big one. Spark's gift-giving experts say this would look lovely framed in gold, and nailed above the "foreclosure" sign at Mar-A-Lago.
  • A brand new, state-of-the-art $20 bill.These bills have been announced but won't be available for another decade. Still, since it's for somebody as distinguished as the Cheeto King, maybe you could get an advanced copy. Wouldn't it be the perfect gift for the man whose respectful relationship with the African-American community goes all the way back to the Central Park Five?
  • A book. The president says he's an avid reader, and we can think of a great book. It's the hot read of the season and impossible to put down. He'll love it! "Fire and Fury: Inside the Trump White House" by Michael Wolff.
  • Flash cards. Just on the off chance that the president wasn't being truthful when he said he loves to read, here's a great way for him to brush up on his favorite words, like Covfefe, Consensual, Sad and Loser.
  • A photo of an oiled bird. The president loves nature so much he wants to dot our beautiful shores with majestic oil rigs. Here's a great paper gift to celebrate his love and respect for Mother Earth.
  • Lovely Stationery.Simple, elegant, timeless.

And a bonus gift for Melania:

  • "STOCKHOLM SYNDROME: Bonding with Captors: True Stories of a Psychological Phenomenon"