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What's the Recipe for a Perfect Trump Nickname

Over these two hundred and forty some odd years, United States Presidents have had their share of clever nicknames. Thomas Jefferson was "The Sage of Monticello." Zachary Taylor was "Old Rough & Ready." Abraham Lincoln was "The Great Emancipator." And Kennedy, of course, was "Captain Sidechick." However, as a group, our Commanders in Chief haven't been terribly skilled at handing out memorable sobriquets to their colleagues.

Until now.

Yes, in these final days of America, one thing has become abundantly clear: in Donald Trump, we finally have a Leader of the Free World who not only knows how to capture someone's essence in a nickname - but who is a bona fide genius at it.

Cryin' Chuck Schumer. Crooked Hillary Clinton. Sloppy Steve Bannon.
Nailed it. Nailed it. Nailed it.

If a team of elite, latte-sipping Hollywood writers spent an entire year trying to come up with nicknames as incisive and brilliant as these, would they even come close? No. They would not.

But why?

Well, it's because no one has a brain as big and beautiful as Donald J. Trump. He's not unlike IBM's chess-playing computer Deep Blue - except, instead of identifying and executing advanced gaming strategies, he selects words to describe the people he knows.

Now, I know what you're thinking: "I'm just a simple, normal-brained person. I could never be like 45!" Good news, friend, that is only half-true. Sure, you'll never be as healthy as History's Fittest President, but you can indeed learn how to dole out nicknames like him. You see, there's a method to his signature style. Just follow these simple steps, and you'll be nicknaming your peers to their unending delight in no time:

  • Don't overthink it. In fact, try to avoiding thinking all together. That will just complicate things. Say the very first thing that comes to mind. Take, for example, Arizona Senator Jeff Flake. Did Trump get clever with his nickname for Flake, constructing a multi-layered burn for his (occasional) opponent? Nope. He dubbed him "FLAKEY." Boom! Take that, Jeff!
  • Find the fun! Are you the leader of the world's greatest superpower facing off against the potential threat of nuclear war. Guess what?... There's the fun! North Korean leader Kim Jong-un can kill millions of people with a rocket. So what does Trump call him? "ROCKET MAN!" (I know what you're asking. "Isn't Elton John Rocket Man?" No, sir. To Trump, Elton John is Singin' Elton John. Remember: you have to think like you have an advanced head injury.)
  • Don't stop at people. To our fearless leader, the New York Times is not "The Gray Lady." It is the "FAILING NEW YORK TIMES" - despite the fact that his presidency has directly resulted in the Times experiencing a 62% rise in online subscriptions. Which reminds me: don't forget to be completely full of shit!
  • Offend everyone. When Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren was was unable to produce proof that she was, as she had claimed, part Native American, Trump seized the moment and dubbed her "POCAHONTAS." Story over, right? Wrong! The President busted out the slur at a White House ceremony honoring Native American veterans. If you want to nickname like The Donald, you have to go big (and thoughtlessly terrible) or GO HOME!
  • Punctuation is your friend. Trump, or as he called himself in a recent tweet "Trump," knows that extra words often just get in the way of what you are trying to say. That's why, even you have a limited grasp of how to use it properly, punctuation can help you bestow the perfect nickname. Observe:

    African "Americans"

    Ta-da! Just four little sky commas and an entire group of human beings has been summarily reduced in the eyes of anyone ignorant enough to listen to you.
    Well, there you have them: all the tools you need to create nicknames like The Master. Now get out there and have some fun with it, LOSER!