Sign up for our newsletter.

Get informed on the stuff that matters.
Take simple immediate actions with impact.

The Life and Times of John Bolton's Mustache

John Bolton, the man, the myth, the mustache. We've been hearing a lot about the hawkish and frustratingly retrograde Bolton since he was appointed National Security Advisor by the Orange Menace. Still, few have sought input and perspective from the real hero in Bolton's story: his fluffy, free-love era mustache. Like the other parts of his face, these tufts of mangy hair emanating from Bolton's upper lip have a story all their own. A story that's, amazingly, never been told.

Until now.

Vietnam War Years

While soaking in the sun at his Ivy League tower, Bolton argued in favor of the Vietnam war, but was curiously unwilling to enlist because he didn't want to "die in a rice paddy."(True of most draftees who served, but alas!) Against the advice of his mustache, he instead joined the Maryland Army National Guard, famously a way the rich and avoidant prevented being sent to 'nam.

Reagan: Part 1 - Agency for International Development

In 1981, as Bolton accepted his first post with Conservative demi-God Ronald Reagan, Bolton's mustache rebelled for the first time. It decided to show the mustachioed menace who was boss by growing out one individual hair. The result was a bit of a mixed bag - Bolton simply grew out the rest of the mustache, making it fluffier and more pederast-y than ever before. It was in these years, as Bolton moved into the Department of Justice, that his mustache vowed to never underestimate him again.

Reagan: Part 2 / Bush - Justice Department

Bolton used his time at Justice to advance the kinds of important policy initiatives like opposing reparations for Japanese-Americans interned during WWII, insisting the current President is free to obstruct justice, advancing the pizza-loving lunatic Antonin Scalia's Supreme Court nomination, framing the immigration debate as a drug war, and, duh, being involved in Iran-Contra. His mustache took a turn for the darkside during this era, getting waaaay too into products as a way to stave off the feeling that it's face-home was up to no good and there was nothing he could do. The Scalia thing really hurt since, as a mustache, pizza is a real and present danger.

Baby Bush - Department of State, UN Ambassador.

Dubya famously hired the entire Nixon/Reagan/Poppy Bush crew to work for him since...well...what better way to celebrate the impossible bounty of the American dream than to keep a bunch of henchmen from our lowest moment in political history (Trump, "hold my beer") steadily employed? Bolton joined his friends and took a job as the undersecretary of State for Arms Control and International Security. His mustache, like most thinkers of the era, felt that title was far too long and also like his hawkish face-home was possibly the worst person on earth to serve in that capacity. When the mustachioed menace was then appointed the ambassador to the UN, his mustache was apoplectic. "What in the f**king hell were these people thinking?" said the stache. Naturally we wound up in an unnecessary and poorly-conceived Iraq war.

Nobel Peace Prize In 2006, in an unlikely turn, John Bolton was nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize. His mustache, the real hero in his story, was not. It was at this moment that the mustache fully declared war on the mangy-haired menace that is Bolton's face. Grey hair comes for everybody eventually. Suckas! (Also, duh, Bolton won a big fat zero Nobel Peace Prizes in this era.) 2016 Presidential Ambitions Bolton himself considered a run for president in 2016, telling the National Review in an article that literally references the mustache in the title but fails to interview it: "My hypothesis is that voters are practical and they care more about national security than the media seems to believe; I think, right now, especially after two terms of President Obama, they want a president who has the know-how to lead during a crisis, a president who can defend our national interests." Well, his mustache showed him! Not only was Bolton's flirtation with extreme power thwarted, but many speculated it was the creepy-as-all-get-out mustache that tipped the scales with voters. Checkmate, sucker. Nobody wants a neocon Sonny Bono to be the president, guys. Nobody. Trump Bolton's mustache is circumspect when asked about the new assignment. Like all of us, the mustache is a little concerned, a little amused, and sick to f-ing death of Twitter. It doesn't understand why Trump, famous for his opposition to the Iraq War, just hired the boondoggle chief architect. It's worried about our future with Iran and North Korea, both in Bolton's crosshairs. It's been using an Asian hair product of late and is concerned about the how the tariff situation will impact the price and availability of said hair product. Though revelations that Bolton's Super PAC is implicated in the Cambridge Analytica scandal that recently broke, the mustache has a bigger issue on its plate - Trump's distaste for Bolton's mustache reportedly prevented him from being hired earlier on. Will Bolton be forced to shave now that he's finally on team orange? And if so, what becomes of our hairy friend?