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The California Voter Guide is Hilarious Without Trying to Be

If you live in California, you probably received your official 1 trillion page California primary voter guide in the mail recently. The book/novel profiles every one of the 32 candidates for Senate, 27 for Governor, and 11 for Lt. Governor...ahem, well, every one that was willing to pay a small fee. According to our calculations, a mere 30% of these profiles are legitimate candidates of some sort and the remaining 70% are hilarious and absurd. We're here to discuss the latter. (You know...the important stuff.)

In this edition, we'll be covering the Senate candidates, but stay tuned for future installments, where we'll discuss the Governor and Lt. Governor's races, as well as the five props on the ballot! (And if you can't figure out why there are so many damn people running in all of these races, check out our post on the Jungle Primary system.)

Before we begin, here are a couple names you'll actually want to remember for primary day:

Dianne Feinstein - Our current Senator for California. A moderate Democrat known for being outspoken on gun control. She is also the oldest person in the Senate. Literally. She is older than Mitch McConnell. Like, she will be 90 at the end of the next term. Yeesh.

Kevin de Leon - Feinstein's biggest challenger, running to her left. He's the former president pro tempore of the California State Senate and 33 years Feinstein's junior. On board with funky, (relatively) youthful ideas like universal healthcare and raising the minimum wage to $15 an hour.

Now on with the show! Here are some of the stand-out entries from the California Voter Guide's list of Senate hopefuls:

Best Name: Tim Gildersleeve. Maybe his platform is entirely about being a "follower of Jesus Christ," but goddamn if Gildersleeve isn't the most charming name on this list...

Most Concise: John "Jack" Crew. His platform? "Atrocity of abortion-on-demand must end." SOLVED! WE ENDED IT BECAUSE IT DOESN'T EXIST! That was easy.

Least Concise: Don J. Grundman. This man GOES ON AT LENGTH in his bio, but 100% of said bio is about him opposing the very idea of "transgender" so it reads as more "grumpy grandpa's revenge" than "meaningful policy statement."

Most Unintentionally Hilarious: Lee Olson. Lee's statement begins: "Lee's slogans are..." and ends in a (long) list of nonsensical slogans. The best of the bunch is the mega-slogan he constructed, which has three slogans inside of it. We could never recreate something this spectacular, so here it is, for your reading pleasure (double quotes are his, duh): ""Providing Leadership out of the Death Paradigm we live Under of "Slavery, War and Poverty for all but the Special Interests" into the Life Paradigm Intended for us of "Freedom, Peace and Prosperity for all."" WHOA. Also...come on.

Most Likely to Have personally Witnessed the Civil War: Herbert Peters. Herbert is an 1864 Democrat in multiple ways. For one, his photo depicts a man who is very plausibly over 170 years old. For another, his platform is that we go back to the policies of "our first 100 years" as a nation, when "we the people" became the greatest wealth producers in the world. What does that actually mean to him? No minimum wage and a tax rate of 3.1%, which was what it was after the Civil War. You know...those calm and peaceful Civil War days when people were still living in bondage and women couldn't vote. Let's go back to that, right?

Most Confused About his Party's Platform: Kevin Mottus. Another longwinded Republican running on a single-issue platform. His issue? That the government is "microwave poisoning" us with cell phone towers and WiFi signals. Yes, all those cell towers being put up by major companies like AT&T and TMobile are ACTUALLY THE GOVERNMENT. Spoooooooooky. Also, untrue.

Most Likely to be Speaking in Code: Ling Ling Shi. After a generally intelligible start, this sentence appears: "Challenge 10 giant chaos in U.S. Economy and Economy-Related sectors." Know what that means? Text us with thoughts. We certainly don't.

That's all for now, but check out the full guide here. We'll be back soon with everything you need to know about the Governor and Lt. Governor candidates!